#unedited
DEAR MOTHER
Parents make many sacrifices for their children. They nurture them, take care of all their needs, i.e food clothing, shelter, education, etc. You name it, they will do it. In return, they expect these deeds to be reciprocated or the scale exceeded by their children when they grow old.
Many times parents get their wish. A few times they do not. Other times, they are betrayed/disappointed.
Mrs Boyega believed she fit into the last category.
****
Mrs Boyega lost her husband when her son was only six years old. She was devastated. Her husband’s family cheated her out of their inheritance and threw them out into the streets. Her family was no more so she had nowhere to go. No one was willing to take them in, not even their so-called friends.
Life became extremely difficult. There were days when mother and son were without food and a roof over their heads. Mrs Boyega never lost faith though. She was determined to make something of her son’s life or die trying.
******
Countless betrayals and false promises later, Mrs Boyega experienced help from a true friend. This friend, Mrs Alice, took them in, fed them and encouraged Mrs Boyega to get a job. Before his death, Mr Boyega had insisted his wife face her duties at home squarely. Despite holding an ND certificate in teaching, Mrs Boyega had been content with this arrangement.
Now, it had become a necessity.
*****
Mrs Boyega got a job and soon, she earned just enough and moved into a modest flat with her son. They couldn’t be considered well-to-do, however, they had just enough to keep the roof over their heads and eat one and a half square meals per day.
“Be patient with me, Jade. Our lives will change for the better soon, okay?” Mrs Boyega told her son every day.
Jade listened to his mother. He committed to his studies and never complained about their living conditions.
When his friends at school or in their neighbourhood asked him why he never joined them to play pranks or fool around he would reply:
“Mummy says: I am a lion and I do not mingle with the sheep.”
Mrs Boyega would nod and smile.
******
The breakthrough they had been waiting for came years later when Jade was awarded an undergraduate scholarship to study in Canada, Mother and son were overwhelmed with joy. They were grateful to God for the blessing bestowed upon them.
Mrs Boyega broke her back to raise the money for Jade’s travel plans. She did everything short of stealing to make it happen. She went hungry, saved, scraped, begged and borrowed until the money was complete.
“Please take it easy mummy,” Jade pleaded. Her chapped nails, broken back and weathered face worried him.
Mrs Boyega smiled. “My love, it will be alright. I am glad to do all this for you, knowing you will take good care of me when you become successful.”
“I swear to God, I will,” Jade swore.
Mrs Boyega trusted in God to make her son successful and trusted Jade to take care of her in old age.
Well, Jade travelled abroad. He studied, graduated and became successful. He earned very well and he did take care of his mother…until everything went downhill.
*****
Jade built his mother a beautiful house back home in Nigeria. He started a business for her. He took her on vacation every year and then invited her to abroad to live with him. Mrs Boyega refused, wanting to stay back home in Nigeria.
Jade met the woman of his dreams, Lisa McFee. She was white, but colour was no barrier to their love. In a short time, they were engaged to be married.
Jade flew his mother down for the wedding.
Lisa turned her nose up at Mrs Boyega at their first meeting. Even though Mrs Boyega would have preferred her son marry a proper Yoruba girl, she came with an open mind, prepared to welcome her daughter-in-law into the family. However, Lisa’s actions killed that dream of them getting along. Mrs Boyega decided to say nothing. Lisa made Jade happy and that was all that mattered to her.
After the wedding, Mrs Boyega and Lisa tolerated each other because of their shared love for Jade. They acted cordial in front of him but were at one another’s throats in his absence.
It was so bad that Mrs Boyega elected to leave a mere week after the wedding.
“Don’t leave us so soon, Mother,” Lisa said an innocent-looking smile on her face.
“Yes, stay a while longer,” Jade added putting his arm around his wife.
Mrs Boyega knew better. She wasn’t fooled by Lisa’s fake smile and poison-laced words.
“I have been away too long. I have to go back and take charge of business.” Mrs Boyega replied firmly.
Mrs Boyega left her son with a heavy heart.
******
A year after the wedding, Jade’s marriage was blessed with a baby boy.
Immediately, Jade flew his mother over to come and care for the baby.
Mrs Boyega was overjoyed. She thought that Lisa, having become a mother herself would change her behaviour towards her mother-in-law. She was even ready to forgive her and begin their relationship afresh.
Mrs Boyega was proven wrong as soon as she arrived.
******
“Jade, could you please bring Jack? I need to feed him.”
The African mother in Mrs Boyega cringed from her seat on the sofa. She disliked the way Lisa pronounced her son’s name. She said Jade as in the germ instead of Ja-de, two syllables. It wasn’t easy, but she was learning to tolerate that since her son didn’t seem to mind.
What irritated her now was the name Lisa insisted on calling her grandson.
“Jade, I don’t like this. My grandson’s name is not Jack abi what is she calling him? His name is Oluwagbemiga, Akanni, Temitope, Boyega.“
Jade tried to reassure his mum. “Mummy I call him Gbenga don’t I? See just accept it like that, you know she is from a different culture.” Jade tried to reassure his mum. “Bring him, let me take him to her.”
“She’s going to feed him with that processed cow’s milk again abi? Tell me why she won’t breastfeed her child. She is hale and hearty so what’s the problem? Or breastfeeding is alien to their almighty culture too?”
“Mummy she wants to keep her figure. Nothing is wrong with the formula, it will be good for him…”
“No it’s not! In fact, everything you are doing is not good for both mother and child. I have been here for over 2 weeks and she has refused to wash Akanni’s face, cleaning instead with wipes. She won’t even allow me to She doesn’t clean his belly button as much as I’d like. As for her, she refuses to drink hot water and will not allow me to care for her as a new mother should be…”
“Jade! Is your mother complaining again?” Lisa asked as she stepped into the living room.
“No worries I was on my way already.” Jade looked guiltily at his mum before taking his son and depositing him in Lisa’s arms.
“Listen, mother.” Lisa began again. “No matter how much you complain, Jack is my son and you have no say in the decisions we make in how we raise him…”
“He is my grandson…!” Mrs Boyega was appalled.
Lisa continued as if she hadn’t spoken.
“You will have to accept it or be cut off from his life. I already spoke to Jade about it and he’s agreed.”
Mrs Boyega looked at her son, mouth wide open. “Is this true, Jade?”
Jade refused to meet her eyes. Tears sprang into Mrs Boyega’s eyes. How had her son become such a weakling?
“Mother, it’s not all that bad. You’ll get to spend some alone time with Jack tonight okay? Jade is taking me out on a date. A first since the birth, I’m so excited! Be a darling and watch over him for us okay? That’s the reason you are here isn’t it?”
Before Mrs Boyega could reply, Lisa had pulled Jade out of the room with her
******
The couple was gone on their outing an hour later. Mrs Boyega was fuming.
She decided to take the opportunity to properly bathe her grandson in the proper Yoruba way. She had brought everything along with her: Local sponge, osun (camwood), palm oil, black soap etc. Even medicinal herbs.
“YOU WILL NOT BATHE MY SON WITH THAT JUNK!” Lisa had screamed the first time Mrs Boyega had offered to bathe Akanni with the items.
Mrs Boyega smiled ruefully. “Come and stop me now, Lisa.” She thought as she boiled the herbs.
She was feeling a slight headache and a little dizzy but she continued. When next would she get this opportunity?
Had Mrs Boyega known the tragedy that was about to befall her family, she would have listened to her symptoms and stopped.
******
Everything was ready. Bath water in the baby tub, bathing items, towel, baby oil. She believed strongly that her grandson would sleep soundly tonight after the bath.
Her headache and dizzy spells were more frequent now, but she ignored the symptoms.
As she was bathing the baby, a sudden feeling came over her. She cried out she fell backwards, paralysed. She hit her head and passed out. Her grandson slipped from her hands and fell forward into the bathwater, completely submerged.
That was how Jade and Lisa met Mrs Boyega and their son. The former, unconscious, having suffered a stroke and the latter, dead by drowning.
******
Mrs Boyega regained consciousness to find herself lying on a hospital bed.
“Ma’am thank God you are awake. How are you feeling?” A man in hospital scrubs said. He stood at the foot of her bed, medical chart in hand.
“Where are my? What happened?”
“Ma’am you suffered a stroke. Your test results came back fine however you are at risk of suffering another, unfortunately. Tell me, is there any part of your body that feels strange or you can’t move?
Mrs Boyega wriggled her fingers and toes. She did feel a bit as if the left side of her face drooped, and a little stiffness generally on her left side but other than that she was fine. She told the doctor as much.
“That’s good.” The doctor looked uneasy. “Erm, do you remember the events that led to you being here?”
At the doctor’s question, her memories returned alongside a sharp headache.“My grandson! Is he ok?” She tried to place her right palm on head but found out she couldn’t because she had been handcuffed to the bed.
The doctor avoided her gaze. “Erm, ma’am there are a lot of people waiting for you to wake. I shall inform them now.”
“What is happening, what have I been handcuffed…?” Mrs Boyega’s eyes tracked the doctor out of the room. It was then she noticed the people who he was referring to. Two uniformed police officers stood outside. Jade was there too, comforting an obviously distraught Lisa. Mrs Boyega watched the doctor say some words to them and as one, they all looked into the room.
“She is awake! You murderer! You killed my son! You’ll pay for this! I swear you will!”
Lisa was hysterical. Jade and another nurse had to forcefully lead her away from the corridor. The police officers stepped into the room.
“Ma’am, you are under arrest…”
“Please officer I don’t understand. What has happened to my grandson?”
The officers looked at one another before one of them finally looked her square in the eye.
“Ma’am, your grandson died.”
Mrs Boyega screamed and screamed until she could scream no more.
*******
The court case dragged on for weeks. The State vs Mrs Boyega.
She was provided with a criminal defence lawyer. He told her to plead guilty to the manslaughter charges, to get a reduced sentence.
She agreed, after all, she had unknowingly ended sweet Akanni’s life. She tried to explain that she had only been trying to help, as a dutiful grandmother.
No one listened.
During the entire trial, Lisa glared at her in barely leashed hatred.
The prosecutor did his job well. He painted her as a vindictive woman who did what she did to get back at her daughter-in-law. Every bit of the bathing items she had lovingly curated to take care of her grandbaby was displayed as heinous weapons in court.
Everything else was a blur, but Mrs Boyega remembered one thing: Jade, her son and flesh and blood, did not once look her in the eye.
******
The jury found Mrs Boyega guilty of manslaughter and she was sentenced to 25 years imprisonment with the option of parole.
Lisa gloated. Jade still refused to look at his mum.
Mrs Boyega wept and died inside.
*****
12 YEARS LATER
“Mrs B! You doing good today.?”
“Yes, I’m fine.” Mrs Boyega said in her muffled voice. She had suffered two more strokes during her time in prison, and as a result, had lost the use of the whole left side of her body. from her face to her toes.
“Another one came today,” The warden said again, waving a stamped letter.
Mrs Boyega took it and added it to the pile sitting unopened by the window sill.
“Still won’t read them?” When she didn’t answer, the warden sighed. “Listen Mrs B. You are already on the parole list. In a matter of time, you’ll be free. At least read what he has to say, hmm?”
The warden gave Mrs Boyega an encouraging nod and smile, then left.
Since her incarceration, Mrs Boyega had refused all visits from Jade. He had then taken to writing her letters which she also refused to read. Why should she grant him an audience or the courtesy of reading his rubbish letters? His betrayal still stung.
Jade had not even bothered to ask her what happened. He knew she loved her grandson and wouldn’t intentionally hurt him so why had things gone the way they had? Mrs Boyega knew Lisa must have been the main instigator, but Jade was a man wasn’t he? He could have stopped it but didn’t.
Jade was dead to her. Since he had, by his actions, disowned her as his mother.
******
Days later, Mrs Boyega continued to ponder the warden’s words. She would be free soon. What harm could come from reading the letters?
Her gaze drifted to the pile at the window again. The most recent one had arrived without a return address. What could it mean? Who could be writing to her and still taking the pains to hide their address?
Curiosity and resentment battled within Mrs Boyega. In the end, curiosity won. She picked up the pile of letters and sat on the floor, opening the most recent one.
Dear Mrs Boyega,
I shall keep this short. I don’t know if you’ve been reading his letters, but Jade died. The cancer took him. He had wanted so very badly to see you or hear from you before the end but you refused; stubborn illiterate that you are.
This letter is the first and last you will ever get from me. It’s a courtesy letter to let you know we are moving countries. Do not ever try to contact me or your grandkids. We want nothing to do with you.
Goodbye.
Lisa.
Mrs Boyega read the letter again and again. Her beloved son was gone forever. He had been writing to her because he needed her and she had adamantly refused to be there for him. She even had more grandkids now. Children that she would most likely never know, whose lives she would never be a part of. Lisa hadn’t even the courtesy to include the address of Jade’s gravesite so she could visit.
Suddenly Mrs Boyega had to know everything. She had to read Jade’s words to her. Maybe he had explained his actions. Maybe he had apologised and begged her forgiveness. In her anger and pain, she had refused to care.
“I’m sorry my dear son. I’m so, so, sorry.”
Tears blurred her vision as she opened the rest of the letters, starting with the very first one, dated almost a year after her sentence:
January 3rd 2012
Dear Mother,
I’m not even sure where to begin. Maybe I should start by saying I’m sorry. I’ve rehearsed this in my head for months, yet no words seem enough for what I need to say. I don’t even know if you’ll read this since you refused to see me, but I have to try.
I’ve replayed that night a thousand times. Wondering, if I had just stopped Lisa from calling the police, if I had put my feet down firmly… would you be at home now, and not in that place? I was angry, and I thought I was doing the right thing. I wanted to give Lisa something, she was in so much pain. I was too, however, I knew you would never knowingly hurt Gbenga. You loved him too much.
I know you must hate me, and I wouldn’t blame you if you did. I hate myself too.
I don’t even know why I’m writing this now, after all this time. Maybe I just need to know if there’s any way to make this right. Or maybe I just need to hear from you, even if it’s just to tell me how much I messed up and disappointed you.
I’m sorry, Mummy. I’m so sorry for everything. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I need you to know that I regret my actions every single day. Please know that, if I could take it all back, I would.
With all my love,
Your son, Jade.
*****
March 15th 2013
Dear Mother,
I have some news that I’ve been meaning to tell you, but I wasn’t sure how to bring it up. You’re a grandmother now. God has replaced our loss with something better. We now have two beautiful kids— twins. A boy and a girl. I have named them Gbemisola and Gbenga, after the gem we lost.
Mummy, I wish you could see them. They’re the best part of my life, and I know they would bring you so much joy. I will try to be a good dad, to give them the love and guidance that I got from you. It will not be easy, especially now, but I shall do my best. They will grow up knowing that family is everything and that we stick together no matter what.
Take care of yourself, Mummy. I think of you every time I look at Gbemi and Gbenga, and I can’t wait for you to meet them.
It’s quite a busy time now, so I must stop. I shall write to you soon.
Again, I’m sorry Mummy.
Love always,
Your hopeful son,
Jade.
*****
August 3rd 2017
Dear Mother,
How are you? I keep writing, even though I don’t know if you’re reading these letters. Maybe it’s the only way I know how to deal with everything. Even if you do not reply, I shall continue to write in the hope that one day you shall find it in your heart to forgive me.
The twins are four now, I see a lot of you in them, you know. Their determination, intelligence, energy and infectious laughter. It’s all you, Mummy and I am glad for it.
Often, I think about how different things could have been. I imagine you here with us, spoiling them like only a grandmother can, telling them stories, teaching them all the things you taught me. I think they’d love that, and I know you would too.
I wish I could bring them to see you. Please know that they’re growing up with so much love and that even though you’re not here with us, you’re still a part of their lives. They’re your grandchildren, and I know you’d be proud of them.
We love you, Mummy.
Jade.
*****
June 23rd 2019
Dear Mother,
How are you?
I miss you, Mummy. I miss the way things used to be before everything fell apart. I know that’s on me, but I hope you can find it in your heart to at least consider replying to my letter. Please mummy.
I don’t want to leave this world with you thinking I hate you or that I don’t care. I do, more than you know. I was just so lost and confused, and I betrayed the one person who was always there for me.
I know it’s too late to change anything, but I want you to know that I’m sorry, and that I love you.
There’s something else I need to tell you, and it’s not easy to say. I’ve been diagnosed with cancer. The doctors say it’s advanced, stage four. They say I don’t have much time left. and there isn’t much they can do.
I know I have no right to ask but please include me in your prayers.
Please write back. It’d mean the whole world to me.
Take care of yourself,
Your dear son,
Jade
****
July 19th, 2019
Dear Mother,
How are you doing?
I’ve started treatment, but the doctors tell me it’s just to buy time. I’ve been thinking a lot about the time I have left, and what I should do with it. I wish I could visit you, but I know you don’t want to see me. The truth is, I’m scared. I’m scared of dying, but more than that, I’m scared of leaving things like this between us.
I want to hear your voice again, even if it’s just to yell at me. I want to know that you’re okay, that maybe one day you could finally forgive me. I’m not asking for much. Just a chance to make things right, even if it’s only a little bit.
I’ll keep writing, even if you don’t. It’s all I have left.
Love,
Your darling son, Jade.
****
February 5th, 2021
Dear Mother,
How are you? I hope you’re doing okay in there. I think about you every day and what your life must be like. It kills me to know I played a part in putting you there. You were always so strong, stronger than I ever gave you credit for.
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about when I was a kid. I remember how you used to take me to Mr Biggs every Sunday and we’d share a meat pie and a bottle of coke. Do you remember that? I don’t know why, but that memory keeps coming back to me. Maybe because it was a time when everything felt simple, and we were happy.
I’ve been in and out of the hospital a lot lately. The treatments are rough, and the doctors aren’t very hopeful.
I’ve been seeing a counsellor here at the hospital. She says I need to forgive myself before I can expect you to forgive me. I don’t know if I can ever fully do that, but I’m trying. I know now that I was scared, and that fear made me do things I can’t take back. I betrayed you when you needed me the most.
Please, Mummy. I’m here, and I’m waiting.
With all my love,
Your hopeful son, Jade.
****
November 16th, 2021,
Dear Mother,
How are you?
This might be my last letter to you. I’m tired than I’ve ever been, but I wanted to write to you one more time. The doctors say I don’t have much time left. I don’t want this to be a goodbye, but I’m afraid that’s what it is.
I’ve been thinking about all the things I wish I could say to you in person. I wish I could tell you that I’m sorry face to face, that I love you and that I never stopped. I wish I could hold your hand and tell you that everything’s going to be okay, even though I know it won’t be. I wish I could make up for all the time we lost.
If I could go back, I’d do everything differently. I wouldn’t let my anger and pain ruin everything. I’d stand by you instead of turning against you. I’d be the son you deserved, instead of the one who hurt you.
But I can’t change the past. All I can do is tell you how much I regret what I did, and how much I love you. I hope that means something to you, even if it’s too late.
Mummy, I’m scared of what’s coming, and I’m scared of leaving this world without making things right between us. But I need you to know that you were the best mum you could be and that everything that happened was not your fault.
I’ve made peace with a lot of things in these past few weeks. I’ve made amends where I could. But you’re the one person I need to make things right with the most.
Please forgive me? Remember the good times we had and not just the way things played out. I’ll be thinking of you until the end.
Mummy, I love you. I always have, and I always will.
Pray for my soul.
Goodbye for now.
Yours forever,
Your only son,
Jade.
****
Hours later, Mrs Boyega was a mess. The tears refused to stop falling. She had torn her hair out like a mad woman.
What kind of mother was that she couldn’t be there for her son when he needed the most? What kind of mother, couldn’t forgive her son after so many years? What mother refused to receive news about her own grandchildren?
Mrs Boyega picked up the second to the last letter. This one was stated on the envelope that it was found by Jade’s bedside after his demise. It was not dated:
Mummy,
I don’t know if you’ll ever read this, but I hope you do. I want you to know that I’m okay. I’m not in pain anymore, and I’m no longer afraid. I’m thinking of you, hoping that you’ll find peace and that you’ll live the rest of your life knowing that you’re loved and that you’re forgiven.
Mummy, thank you for everything. I hope you forgive me too.
Pls pray for me?
With all my love,
Your son,
Jade.
At this point, it had become too much for Mrs Boyega. She fainted after reading the letter.
*******
Mrs Boyega was released on parole a few weeks later.
It was a bittersweet moment for her. She had her freedom, but she had lost everything. She had nowhere to go — a semi-paralysed woman with no access to her grandchildren and her only son was gone. She didn’t even know where he was buried. All she had left were his letters, which she would cherish for as long as she lived.
Regret was the one emotion that plagued her. Surely things would have been different if she had allowed her son to visit her or at least replied to his letters.
Looking at herself now, with nothing to her name except a sack of old clothes and letters, she wondered if holding on to that anger and pain and betrayal was worth all the heartache and loss she was experiencing now.
She could only ask God for forgiveness and hope He would grant her His mercy. She would pray for her son too. Always.
It’s the least she could do.
Epilogue
Diary entry; October 7th, 2023.
Jade,
It’s been almost six months since I took down your letters —unopened, from the window sill. They had been sitting there for months, gathering dust, while I told myself I didn’t care. I told myself that I was too angry to read them, too hurt to let your words in. But now…now I wish I had.
I read every single one, Jade. I sat on the cold floor of this cell, and I read them until I couldn’t see the words through my tears. You reached out to me, several times, begging for forgiveness, for affection, for your mother, and I was too stubborn, too proud, to even open an envelope. I thought I was protecting myself from more pain, but all I did was rob us both of the time we could have had.
I thought I had all the time in the world to be angry and hurt. I thought I could keep you at a distance until I was ready. How wrong I was! Now you’re gone, and it’s too late. I’ll never get to tell you that I never stopped loving you, that I forgave you long before you even asked. I’ll never get to hold you and tell you that you were my world, even when it felt like everything was falling apart.
You told me I’m a grandmother. Gbemi and Gbenga. They sound absolutely adorable. Lisa has deprived me of them. Possibly forever. I’ll never get to see them, never get to hold them, never get to spoil them like you said I would. I’ll never see the pieces of yourself you left in them.
Does Gbenga smile like you do, or does Gbemi tilt her just so when she’s mad, just like you used to do? I’ll never never know.
There’s no one to blame though. I robbed myself of that joy, just like I robbed them of knowing their grandmother.
How could I have been so foolish and so blind?
I failed you, Jade when you needed me the most. I left you alone in the darkness. I thought I was punishing you, but all I did was punish myself. Now I’m sitting here with nothing but these letters and a heart full of regret.
You said you forgave me, that you didn’t hold any grudges. I don’t know how you could say that after everything, after I took away your child, but I thank you for it. I shall carry this guilt with me for the rest of my life, but I’ll also carry your love. I’ll hold onto the words you wrote, the forgiveness you offered, and I’ll try to find some way to forgive myself too.
I wish I could talk to you one last time, to hold your hand and tell you that I’m sorry. But this will have to do. You were always my boy, and that I’ll carry you in my heart until the day I die.
I love you, Jade and I’m so, so sorry.
Love
Your heartbroken Mum,
Remi.
© 2024
Hafsah bint Nurein
